Wish You Were Here

Hey Steffi,

So this weekend was pretty mellow.  Y’know.  Like eating cheese, sitting on the floor and staring at the wall.

A couple things:

1. there was this cat out here in New York that went crazy on a family and chased them into the bathroom!  Apparently a thyroid problem.  I didn’t know cats had thyroid conditions.   Honestly I think it’s kind of funny that the cat kept begging for food constantly then flipped out.  Maybe not that funny.  It made me think of this commercial.  I guess cats can be scary sometimes.

2. I just bought this Nuttella container that has an ad for The Pink Panther 2.  Wait, when did that film come out?  I just looked it up…in February this year.  I hope the Nuttella is still for eating:

Today, I’m watching television…Law and Order: SVU is on and I just learned that The Clap is gonorrhea. I should know that.  But I thought it was a different STD that only existed in the olden days.  Plus it sounds like it could be not that bad a disease and it sounds like something a man in a suit would say, maybe in a PSA.

And I just learned in a commercial that The Real Housewives of New Jersey will be on that tv show Mercy.  What?

And finally, please enjoy Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and her hit tune, “Tardy for the Party”, my new life anthem:

Wish You Were Here

Hey Stef, so today I was trolling around on Netflix and I decided today was the day I was going to “watch instantly”.  So I happened upon this movie I’d never heard of with all these actors I love!  John Goodman, Zooey Deschanel, Paul Dano, Ed Asner!  I forgot how much I like indie films with their strange story premises (there’s an adopted Chinese baby involved–What?) and awkward moments.  I think you’d like this film.  Maybe you’ve seen it already, but maybe you haven’t because I know how much you like those documentaries.  Anyhow, Zooey won me over again after having lost me with her cotton commercials.  Listen, I know everyone needs a paycheck.  Heck, I’d probably sell cigarettes to children if it meant I got to do something funny on the television.  Hey, I’m not proud of that.  Anyways, you might not have seen this because I know you don’t watch tv, so I will put the vid below.  But doesn’t Zooey sound a little like Aaron Neville?  How does she do that?  Anyway, Zooey is so charming as an actress and she won me back despite her confusing turn as a cotton peddler.  That’s my little opinion, for what it’s worth.

My Interview with my pal Erin Rose Foley

I ride the train every day and most of the time I avoid looking down into the tracks.  If I do look down, there’s the usual puddle of water between the tracks with who knows what kind of fluid, and every time without fail, a rat will scuttle around and I’ll cautiously step back from the ledge, because I would never ever want to go down there.  Never.  Scary!  Then there’s the dreaded third rail.  All I know is never touch the third rail!  (Unless you want to get electrocuted.)

So yesterday morning, when my friend Erin told me that her iPhone fell onto the tracks and she went on the tracks to retrieve her phone herself, I was speechless.  Why would she go down there?  I don’t know if I could do that.

Erin, did you ever consider leaving your phone in the tracks?  You risked your life for your phone!

No, I never considered leaving it.  They told me at the MTA Booth that if I had to go, I could pick up the phone later at the booth but I never considered that, even for a second.

How come?

Because it’s my favorite.  And because I didn’t think of it as risking my life.  If someone were mugging me I would give them the phone without thinking about it.

So how did you finally decide that you were going to go on the tracks to get your iPhone?

I reported my unfortunate situation to an apathetic woman in the MTA booth. She made a call and told me to wait for an MTA employee to come and get the phone for me. So I went back to the platform and waited for about 45 minutes. Finally, I explained my situation to two unhelpful gentlemen who offered to help me, but then proceeded to get on the next train and told me “Good luck with your phone.” So as soon as their jerk-train left the station, I realized that I had to do it myself. IT WAS TIME TO BE A HERO.

Were you scared to go on the tracks?  How did you make sure you were safe?

I jumped down as soon as a train left the station. I figured that would give me the most time possible. I also had a lady waiting on the platform for me, and she helped me get back up. My biggest fear was not being able to get back onto the platform. I should say that I don’t recommend that anyone ever go onto the tracks. It’s totally dangerous. I was a desperate woman in a desperate situation.

Did you feel empowered once you got back on the platform with your phone?

I felt proud that I mustered up the courage, and I felt extremely relieved to have my precious iPhone back, safe and sound with only a little bit of disgusting liquid on it. Again: super dangerous, don’t ever do it.

What advice would you give people who drop their phones on the subway tracks?

Don’t do what I did! But if you do, be super careful and make sure someone on the platform knows what you’re doing so they can give you a hand if you need it. But seriously don’t do it!

How did you end up dropping your phone on the tracks in the first place?

Ok, I’m not proud of it. But I was trying to take a picture of a humorously vandalized subway poster. In my defense, it was hilarious.

Alexa Chung- Lady Gaga

So today, advertising convinced me to do something I wouldn’t have done on my own.  I watched the Alexa Chung show and lo and behold it was Lady Gaga!  Like the rest of us, she relaxes to some whiskey and she’s got tons of wigs and cool outfits like we all wish we did.  But then, the charming and British Alexa showed this video clip with Christopher Walken reading “Poker Face”.  His “oh’s” are really heartwarming. Please enjoy.

Besides that, I ate a turkey sandwich with cornichon or gherkin.  It was pretty nice. Wow what a day.

Wish You Were Here

Hey Stef,

I hope you had a good move this weekend!  I can’t wait to see the new place.  Oh boy!

So as you know, this Saturday was Halloween, so I ended up at a bar.  And I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I don’t think I’ve roamed the streets on Halloween for a while.  Anyways, you would have really loved the people watching.  It was a spooky spooky night and there were so many misfits running the streets!

Look at Pac Man and Care Bear!  And the sharks! What a costume menagerie.  But wait for it.  Wait for it…

Look at this Care Bear’s tail!  Ha!  Amazing.  There’s nothing like dude dudes in fluffy bear costumes and a heart near their tail.

And then there was Dog the Bounty Hunter.  Oh my.

Anyways, I enjoyed the costume parade without having to go to a parade.  I don’t think I like parades generally.  I don’t mean to be a hater.  But anyhow.  I bet you would have loved seeing these people and giggling into your beer.

Oh and one last thing, I also had this pizza!  I can’t wait to see you in a month!

Guh Halloween

I think I might be the only person who isn’t excited about Halloween.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have any ill feelings towards the holiday.  There are pumpkins and carving and candy.  It’s a great combo really, but then you get older and you’re supposed to go dressed up as something smart and funny and something people will be very impressed with when you explain the witty little costume you came up with.  “Oh you’re Nietzsche’s moustache, how clever”.  Whatever that means.  I’m sure it’s pre existentialist or whatever but I quit this sentence I don’t know what I’m saying.

Anyway, I’m not that smart.  When I was a kid I was one of those packaged costumes 3 years in a row.  I was the Apricot Strawberry Shortcake friend.  I don’t even know what the name of that character was.  (I just looked it up.  It’s “apricot” who would’ve thunk it?) I’m pretty sure it was one of the last costumes left at the store and that’s what I was.

When I was ten and at my most awkward I wore a strange cowboy outfit I put together from my mom’s closet.  That night me and my friend Erica and our other pal Sabrina walked the suburban streets without our parents.  We were quite the nerdy awkward trio: Erica was a red M&M and I think Sabrina was a dancer?  I forget.  Things were going okay but then some teens drove by and threw an egg at Sabrina and for the rest of the night we hid behind bushes to try an avoid the egg throwing teens.

My point is, Halloween is a holiday for degenerates… I’m surprised I don’t like it more.

It’s true after all. Junk food is crack.

I just read this article about junk food (via Mark Bittman’s blog Bitten).  And according to a book written by David Kessler, FDA commissioner it looks like, scientists found that junk food is as addictive as heroin!  Oh man.  When people talk about donuts having crack in them, they’re really closer than they think.  My personal weakness: tater tots.  Put a basket in my face and I will eat every single morsel.  That’s right, I’m just like a little lab rat.  I’m ashamed.  I’m a tater tot junkie waiting to get my next fix.  I wish there was a healthy substitute, but a batch of roasted brussel sprouts appeals to me for other reasons.  They will never be that deep fried goodness that lies in the smashed and deep fried morsel of a tater tot.  One day I hope to kick this habit.  One day.

the douchebag has left the building

I have been following Top Chef this season.  I used to catch up after a few weeks and then OD on multiple episodes on a Sunday afternoon but now I pretty much keep track week to week.  Not that you needed to know all this background, but I thought I would just tell you.  Anyways, I just wanted to say that I was happy that Mr. Mike Isabella was cut this week.  Well not happy.  I’m sure he’s just a jerk on purpose and says alarming things to be entertaining.  And he seems pretty aware he’s that guy.  Eh! Oh!

He reminds me of this kid I knew in high school who was just like Mike.  My own personal Mike Isabella was a Rush Limbaugh fan and a meathead.  The thing that irked me the most about him was the fact that I couldn’t argue with him without getting angry to the point of crying.  I think I’m probably the worst debater in the world, especially if I feel invested in the subject at hand.  This is why I will never be a politician.  I’d just cry all the time.  It made all the arguing worse because I knew in my heart I was right but this jerk with a booming voice and a melon for a head and no neck was winning because of my crying.  Oh the injustice.

I guess in this case, Mike Isabella received the justice I hoped my high school foe would.  In my situation I was the Robin.  Oh Robin!  I mean, I don’t know if I want to eat her food but I really feel like she’s being attacked because she’s an older lady.  It might also be because her food doesn’t look very delicious.  Possibly.  I guess it’s called “Top Chef” and not “Top Good Person in the House” or something.

Wish you were here

So Stef, I totally wish you could come out here to New York and visit.  But since that won’t happen for a while, I’ll share with you via the interweb, what I wish you could share out here!

The other night I got to spend some quality time with some friends and eat a fatted pig.  It was a great time, and I wish you were here to stuff your belly with us.  Then we played a fun round of a charades/memory/description type game and our brains exploded.

And it’s been pretty out, just slightly chilly with a little breeze.  I was eating on Sunday with my friend Erin, and we looked out the window and saw a yellow tree.  I think you would have liked that too.  Here’s someone else’s version of the tree I found that looks just like it.  I know it’s hard to imagine the leaves turning color when it’s 95 degrees where you are, but just picture it for a minute.  Hope your move is going well, my grown up friend!

Heart,

B

words escape me…

But here are a few words. First they arrive on those dollies bellhops use to tote your luggage on. I mean, it’s a pretty nice entrance if you’re a Louis Vuitton tote or something.  But then, isn’t it strange that these guys are twins, wearing the same outfit, which is a red patent leather suit?  No?  No takers?  Well how about that awkward dancing and singing , and then that horrible dialogue that’s in the song that always ruins my karaoke renditions of this number. No?  Well, I’ll say this, I agree with Simon when he says that it is like watching “The Excorcist”.