So I decided to tune in and watch the Miss Universe pageant for a couple reasons- I like to keep up with my beauty pageants, and I wanted to see Heidi Montag perform. What?
I knew going into this that it would be like going into a porta potty-You know it’s going to be gross, but you have to pee. So yes, watching the Miss Universe pageant was like having to pee in a disgusting bathroom.
Anyhow, the festivities started out like any pageant would, with traditional costumes. How international!
Miss Germany won for best way to incorporate a building structure into a costume. Ah the glory of the Brandenburg Gate as a headpiece or is that more a backdrop? not really sure:
Miss Ireland won for half assed costume, white bikini top and gold shorts? Really? With that hat she looks like she’s off to a place that serves green beer and gonorrhea.
Miss Panama won for scariest costume! Boo!
Why am I watching this again? Well then the real entertainment came with Heidi Montag and by real I mean real like hair extensions of which she had many. She was on screen for a total of 30 seconds and each second she was on, the camera did that quick zoom in and out so you wouldn’t be distracted by her lack of ability to dance. She channeled Britney with an athletic version of that nude suit Brit wore years ago.
Finally it was my mother’s favorite part of the night, the evening gown section. (I switched channels during the swimsuit competition) So, while walking down the runway, each contestant gets to explain why they like their gown. Everyone pretty much said “I like my gown cause it’s pretty”
Then it ended and Miss Venezuela won. And I was like “cool”. And Miss Universe from last year kind of threw her crown at her and it fell on the ground and Miss Universe from last year played it off pretty cool, like she dropped it cause she was so excited for one Venezuelan to pass on the crown to another Venezuelan. But really we all know she was like, “I’m never letting go of this crown. You will never have it. I will be queen forever!” But she thought about it and was like, “I guess I should just let go” and then it was fine and really, in the end, who cares? Donald Trump?
I had to watch Miss Universe again to remind myself of why I don’t watch it. Here’s to watching Miss Universe in 2020. I wonder if it will take place in outerspace. Maybe it’ll be in Florida.