This is a picture of me hoping you’ll mistake me for someone who uses my brain to solve some of the greatest mysteries in life, but really I’m thinking about pot roast.
I don’t always check my horoscope but from time to time I do to see if I can find anything that seems like it applies to what’s going on in my life now. I remember as a boy crazy teen, I’d read Cosmo’s horoscope and hope it would say something about the boy I had a crush on. Unfortunately, nothing could be translated to mean my crush loved me too.
Nowadays I read Rob Brezny’s horoscope and I keep hoping it will say that I will finally have the career I always dreamed of. This is what he wrote about Geminis this week:
Primatologist Jane Goodall, who lived for years among chimpanzees in Tanzania, is one of the world’s top experts on the creatures. Can you guess what her favorite toy was when she was young? A stuffed monkey, of course. There were no doubt foreshadowings like that in your own childhood or adolescence, Gemini. Right? Signs of the magic you would eventually seek to ripen? Seeds of destiny that had just begun to sprout? Now would be a good time to reflect on those early hints. You’ll benefit from updating your understanding of and commitment to the capacities they revealed.
So what is it I do now, I’m a comedian. So how did that happen?
The thing is, I feel like my early desires to entertain my friends and family around me, were not that different from other little girls all over the world. I tried so hard to be an actor but I was such a gawky goofball. In the 7th grade school play we had to wear black turtlenecks and stand on black blocks and look in different directions and say lines straight faced like “I am in the ether, the energy surrounds me”. I’m making that part up, but I’m sure it was something shitty like that. Even then, my pimply little brain knew this production was dated and probably considered bad art. I couldn’t even pretend to be involved in the production (what a snob). Our teacher who usually wore black MC Hammer pants and sported an asymmetrical haircut with a touch of dandruff, tried to get us all to commit to the show but I giggled through the whole thing, which I guess was unprofessional. Because of my poor showing, I was never asked to participate in the annual school plays, despite my many auditions.
Adding to this reputation for being someone who couldn’t take things seriously, I also created my own reputation for being a ditz–the role of a lifetime. In one of our English classes we had to come up with three adjectives that best described our essence. I chose: easygoing, happy and airhead. Hilarious to me now. Airhead, maybe, but was I ever really happy or easygoing? Somewhere in my young mind I knew this would get a response, but I didn’t prepare myself for the response it continued to get even years later. Even though the attention was negative, I didn’t mind it so much. If we were in class and a dumb blonde joke had to be made, I was the go to person. The blondes slid by, under the radar while I took the nugget of appreciation, for being dumb. At least I was known for something. I couldn’t commit to a role on-stage but off-stage I was determined to follow through and it worked, unfortunately for me. Years later when I wanted to pretend to be smart so I could get into college, I had a tough time reminding people that I had learned to read at some point and could figure out other things, like how do operate a car and dagnabbit, I knew the name of our first president, (George Jefferson, right?).
So, I guess these were the early signs that one day I would be a comedian—a laugh at any expense, even against my better judgement. There you go Rob Brezny.