my horoscope this week said

13 Jun

This is a picture of me hoping you’ll mistake me for someone who uses my brain to solve some of the greatest mysteries in life, but really I’m thinking about pot roast.

I don’t always check my horoscope but from time to time I do to see if I can find anything that seems like it applies to what’s going on in my life now.  I remember as a boy crazy teen, I’d read Cosmo’s horoscope and hope it would say something about the boy I had a crush on.  Unfortunately, nothing could be translated to mean my crush loved me too.

Nowadays I read Rob Brezny’s horoscope and I keep hoping it will say that I will finally have the career I always dreamed of. This is what he wrote about Geminis this week:

Primatologist Jane Goodall, who lived for years among chimpanzees in Tanzania, is one of the world’s top experts on the creatures. Can you guess what her favorite toy was when she was young? A stuffed monkey, of course. There were no doubt foreshadowings like that in your own childhood or adolescence, Gemini. Right? Signs of the magic you would eventually seek to ripen? Seeds of destiny that had just begun to sprout? Now would be a good time to reflect on those early hints. You’ll benefit from updating your understanding of and commitment to the capacities they revealed. 

So what is it I do now, I’m a comedian.  So how did that happen?

The thing is, I feel like my early desires to entertain my friends and family around me, were not that different from other little girls all over the world.  I tried so hard to be an actor but I was such a gawky goofball.  In the 7th grade school play we had to wear black turtlenecks and stand on black blocks and look in different directions and say lines straight faced like “I am in the ether, the energy surrounds me”.  I’m making that part up, but I’m sure it was something shitty like that.  Even then, my pimply little brain knew this production was dated and probably considered bad art.  I couldn’t even pretend to be involved in the production (what a snob).  Our teacher who usually wore black MC Hammer pants and sported an asymmetrical haircut with a touch of dandruff, tried to get us all to commit to the show but I giggled through the whole thing, which I guess was unprofessional.  Because of my poor showing, I was never asked to participate in the annual school plays, despite my many auditions.

Adding to this reputation for being someone who couldn’t take things seriously, I also created my own reputation for being a ditz–the role of a lifetime.  In one of our English classes we had to come up with three adjectives that best described our essence.  I chose: easygoing, happy and airhead.  Hilarious to me now.  Airhead, maybe, but was I ever really happy or easygoing? Somewhere in my young mind I knew this would get a response, but I didn’t prepare myself for the response it continued to get even years later.  Even though the attention was negative, I didn’t mind it so much.  If we were in class and a dumb blonde joke had to be made, I was the go to person.  The blondes slid by, under the radar while I took the nugget of appreciation, for being dumb.  At least I was known for something.  I couldn’t commit to a role on-stage but off-stage I was determined to follow through and it worked, unfortunately for me. Years later when I wanted to pretend to be smart so I could get into college, I had a tough time reminding people that I had learned to read at some point and could figure out other things, like how do operate a car and dagnabbit, I knew the name of our first president, (George Jefferson, right?).

So, I guess these were the early signs that one day I would be a comedian—a laugh at any expense, even against my better judgement. There you go Rob Brezny.

New Project update.

9 Jun

In an effort to keep myself accountable to whoever might be reading this, maybe just me, which is fine, I will start posting updates on the progress of my new show, tentatively titled “God I’m Funny”.  (Read it more as like, a prayer, God, I’m funny? Not like, omigod I’m so funny.) Anyway, I’m hoping I’ll just shame myself into finally completing my new show.   Progress.  Sounds refreshing.

Here goes.  Also enjoy this random picture of some dude’s belt.  Check that out!  It’s a spider with a HUMAN SKULL!!! How disturbing is that?  Maybe you’re more disturbed by the leather pants.  Honestly I don’t know which is more offensive.

Sometimes it’s hard to start and re start a project.  I start it, drop it for a little and then starting up again is a pain in the ass.  I’ve been working on and off on this new show and it’s not really new because it’s about my life but I keep thinking, shit am I being too precious about stuff or too dismissive of my own experience?  It’s a mind game I play with myself.  A fun little game, like Patty Cakes.  What the hell are Patty Cakes?  Mud cakes?  I hate that game.  Do people even play that with kids any more?  Do modern children enjoy Patty Cakes?  If you tried to play Patty Cakes with a three year old would they look at you with a dead stare and start texting their parent on a Blackberry “this fool is doing something strange, daddy”.  Do people still play Duck Duck Goose?  What are kids doing nowadays?  Is everything computerized?  Are children now monitored by a very capable but cold robot?  I have no idea.  Children and the future scare the shit out of me.

When did I start needing the Bengay?

3 Jun

Last week I turned a year older.  Nothing new.  It happens every year this time.  I had a really relaxing birthday week, ate a lot of food, walked by a beach, hung with my best of friends,  drank some, and then this week I sneezed and threw out my back.  I’m sure it’s more complicated than that but each year I am reminded of my continual decay in small ways.  Remember that time long ago when you felt like you could throw yourself at moving objects and survive?  Well those days are over, my body says to me year after year.  What a jerk of a body.  But overall I’m happy it still lets me walk it around and feed it ice cream and chips without much protesting–only in the form of mini gas leaks.

 

24 Mar

I can’t tell you why but I’ve been into baking in the last year or so.  I’m not super good at it, but I like trying anyway.  I’ve had a few disasters.  I made a chocolate cake that tasted like a cracker and I’ve made a few dry ass cupcakes but there have also been a few successes here and there.  I’ve been getting those Williams Sonoma newsletters and they keep showing me stuff I think I’d like if I had one of those mega kitchens with an island and hanging pots and shit and usually I ignore them but then I saw this bundt pan and I wanted it.  I’ve never even eaten a bundt cake, well maybe once, much less know what sort of cake batter you put in it.  But there it is a bundt pan that recreates a German mold from the 1950s.

23 Mar

Auditioning is a funny thing.

Yesterday was maybe one of my more memorable auditions in a long time.  We were asked to improvise a scene in pairs based on the information they gave us, so in a way it was meant to be a little easier since we didn’t have to figure out where we were, who we were to each other or what we were focussed on.  My scene partner seemed like a nice guy.  He introduced himself and I shook his hand and he said “Hey that’s a firm handshake you got there.  I like that”,  and somewhere in the back of my head I thought, this could be awesome or an ut oh.

Because if someone says something like that, either they’re super friendly and extroverted or, they’re like a jokey uncle who wants to get the laughs out.  It turned out my scene partner was more uncle like.  Right when he got in, the jokes rolled off him like sweat on a cheap suit, and kept nudging me like I was in on it too, but I had no idea what he was talking about.

Then we started the scene, which started at a rip roaring pace and with him yelling “So you got the canoli!” and I kept saying “Yes, I have the canoli!”

It was maybe one of my favorite auditions ever.

Why am I sick?

9 Mar

Somehow I got sick.  I know, no one wants to know, but I’m sick!  I’m siiiiiccCCKK.  Boo.  I guess I’m not that sick.  If I was really sick, I wouldn’t be able to sit up and type, so there’s that.  When I was a kid I loved being sick enough to stay in bed all day and watch television.  At the end of the day my mom would come home from work and give me a Gatorade.  That’s what I want a Gatorade.

Tonight I will be doing some standemups.

17 Feb

Supercream Supreme!
Thursday February 17th
8PM
Royal Oak Bar
594 Union Ave
(L to Bedford)

with
Dan Allen!
Selena Coppock!
Nate Bargatze!
Meg Cupernall!
Adrienne Iapalucci!

& the Theramin stylings of our house band
Jen Rondeau!