Tag Archives: Millionaire Matchmaker

Oh Bravo- in Two Parts

14 Apr

PART I – Millionaire Matchmaker

It was the season finale of Millionaire Matchmaker, and they tried to tie it up in a neat bow.  So what did we learn?  We learned that all the money in the world can’t buy you love.  No wait, that’s not what we learned.  We learned that most millionaires are babied in life, so it’s hard for them to form relationships with normal people.

So in the big season finale we met Zargos and some other nondescript dude.  I’d say the highlight of the show was when Zargos went on his date with Susan.  He took her to a boxing lesson.  Wait, who goes boxing on a date?  I guess I’m old fashioned and to me a date is a bonk on the head, heyo!  But really, I guess I missed out on a whole different level of date.

So, while Susan and Zagros are learning how to box, they get all hot and heavy.  I think Zagros gets all excited when Susan jumps rope and her boobs bounce around.  Men are simple creatures.  I wonder if you could excite a man by putting two gelatinous filled bags in his face and jiggle them around.  I’m guessing like Pavlov’s dog the man would salivate.  Just a guess.

Anyway, so while Susan and Zargos are making out, their boxing instructor, none other than Tyra Banks’ personal trainer, makes some really great uncomfortable faces.  In fact, the boxing teacher was the highlight of the show!  He should have his own show where he teaches different people to box and most of the time the camera is close up on his face.  I’m telling you this man’s face work is impressive.  He looks like a modern day Barney Rubble.

PART II – 9 By Design

Bravo, you’ve done it again but in a hip-family-that I could never be a part of-way.  I don’t really like kids in general.  Is that a mean thing to say?  I mean I like them.  They’re cute little things and they say the darndest things.  Really they do.  They’ll tell you in a heartbeat that you’re ugly and fat, so I’m not ready to hang with a bunch of kids.  But this couple seem to have it figured out in this way where they say “Oh we’re just figuring it all out” and I’m like, “Dude you guys have it figured out pretty well.  You’re like millionaires and shit AND you have 7 kids”.  It’s nuts, but basically they’re really living the life.  Doing what they love and living really well.  Not only that, but they’re hip and attractive and parents.  They’re no TLC family, that’s for sure.  I’d love to see Kate Gosselin go at it with Cortney.  That’s a Pay-Per-View fight I’d watch. It’d be better than GLOW- Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, for those who don’t know.  I’d watch their fight and try to figure out how to be as fierce as Cortney.  Damn, look at how hip this family is.

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Millionaire Matchmaker- oh nerds.

7 Apr

I might have mentioned before that I am a huge fan of the Bravo network.  I watch all the shows.  I’m down with the Housewives– each and every city, the delicious Top Chef and I even watch Shear Genius, which I’m sure no one watches.  Do I have a lot of time on my hands, maybe.  Anyways, one of my all time favorites is The Millionaire Matchmaker and that sassy Patti Stanger.  It’s a nice substitute for my old favorite Blind Date, though Blind Date has a trash factor that could maybe be compared to Cheaters, but that’s a different story all together.  In any case, most of the time the millionaires Patti deals with are egomaniacal babies- both men and women, and it’s rare she deals with someone that breaks my heart.

Last night her millionaires were: a muffin dude (he sells muffins and is a lawyer-go figure) and a Silicon Valley nerd.  The Silicon Valley nerd, Dylan was adorable.  Maybe I have a soft spot somewhere in my heart for a real nerd, or maybe seeing a nerd on television awakens my inner nerd.  I was told by my mom as a kid that I wasn’t smart enough to be a nerd, so I didn’t have to worry about being too nerdy.  She was wrong, I was a bit of a nerd, and by the way, thanks mom.  I had my own Patti Stanger in my midst.  Anyways, Dylan was adorable with his strange shelf hair and awkwardness.

To break him out of his shell, Patti made him take a dance lesson (pictured above).  A few things on that.  Um, who is this dance teacher?  Where is she from?  I have no idea what the dance world is like, but did they pluck her out of the 90s?  Well they might have, because they started hip hop dancing and this dancing instructor started showing my little Dylan how to move his hips around like a real lothario. Dylan got so into the bumping and grinding, apparently Patti mentioned he might have gotten a bit too excited, if you know what I mean.  Oy.  Sidenote: I could dance battle that “teacher” and take her down.  Shit, I got some mean dance moves.

Finally he got set up with the cute Ariele, a brown haired, cute little gal.  She realized on the date what a nerd he was, but she seemed pretty cool with it. Some highlights on their date were:

-the ‘cool’ piano dude with the douchey hat.  Is that mean?  Well it’s true, that hat belongs to douchey people.  Wow. I’m so opinionated.

-Dylan mentioned that he woke up with a zit on the morning of his date.  (*aw, and I totally identify with that)

-Dylan mentioned he was a Wiffle Ball pro. Wow.  Um.

-Ariele said she always carries her own music that she writes with her and then sang and played piano.  Oh man, it was bad.  So bad.  And it kept going and I thought I might die.  But it finally was over and I was embarrassed for her.

The whole date reminded me of a teenage movie from the 90s maybe like a Say Anything or something, and inside my inner nerd cried a little, but the tears were tears of joy, not of sorrow.  Thank you Patti.  Thank you.