my horoscope. thanks rob brezny.

Researchers at the University of Oregon claim that in certain circumstances, they can make water flow uphill. I’m not qualified to evaluate their evidence, but I do know that in the coming week you will have the power to accomplish the metaphorical equivalent of what they say they did. Don’t squander this magic on trivial matters, please, Gemini. Use it to facilitate a transformation that’s important to your long-term well-being.

***

Trivial?  Fine.  But this seems like a pretty substantial and nervous making exhortation.  Is that the word I was looking for?  You know, like command or whatever. I would like to make magic.

Neighbors

 

 

Neighbors.

Remember Small Wonder?  Yeah.

 

 

 

 

 

oh and btw

I made biscuits last night and they weren’t layer-ey and fluffy like I hoped.  This YouTube video helped.  If only I looked beforehand. PS. If my mom saw this picture of the finger in the biscuit, she’d maybe never eat a biscuit again.

For now you can see me here.

It looks like some jerk stole my old domain for my website.  Being the type of person that sees adversity and avoids it, I decided on a new domain.  What goes into choosing a new domain?  Hours of contemplation?  Sleepless nights thinking about what would appeal to my legions of “fans”?  No.  I just decided, f it.  I’ll take .biz.  So in the meantime, while this is going on, you can see me here, and my whereabouts and the such.

The summer has gone and fall is breezing in.  It’s the last few moments of breezy perfect weather before the snow comes in and consumes us all.  Gone are the careless walks to the subway in a t-shirt and shorts.  Now the boots are being readied, polished and resoled, primed for battle.  The puddly streets and the icy curbs soon to invade.  Man.  Winter blows.  But for now, my blog.

Tonight I will be doing some standem ups at Giulia Rozzi and Brooke van Poppelen’s show, Dive at Freddy’s in Brooklyn.  I’m sure you’ll read this days later and this will mean nothing to you because it happened in the past.  But you guys, we can’t know our future if we don’t know our past.  Right?  Whatever.

My New Show! Tuesday August 30, 8pm. Soho Gallery For Digital Art!

I do not have a green thumb

This Sunday I planted, or rather transplanted some basil and two tomato plants into bigger pots.  I have no idea what I’m doing and while putting the soil in the pot I noticed a small rolly polly frantically running for its life and got a little grossed out.  When did I get so squeamish?  I used to like to stick my feet in mud.  I’d like to have a vegetable garden one day but maybe I should see if I am able to keep these guys alive.  I also got these two tall plants that I think can withstand winter weather.  I think?

I don’t know what kind of plants these are but the label said they can live in weather up to -40 degrees.  So, I think I’m safe unless we have some insane deep freeze.

This is the first time in a while I’ve tried to keep anything besides myself alive.  I hope the best for you my plant friends.  I will do my best.  I promise.

Oh, and I wondered what this plant is.  Is it a weed?  Is it supposed to be there?  What’s going on?

this is all I have. Update #2.

So… I am supposed to be making progress on my new show.  Since I last wrote, I think I figured out the new direction of the show.  Yay! And I wrote the intro so, that’s about all I have for now.  I meant to keep writing but I got distracted.  If I were to rate my progress, I made like 4 inches of progress out of a possible 12, for the week.

Now I have to go pack boxes full of things I probably shouldn’t pack like a pair of broken glasses…but I might need them in the future!

In the meanwhile enjoy this video my friend Tom shared.  It brightened my day.  I hope it brightens your day too!

my horoscope this week said

This is a picture of me hoping you’ll mistake me for someone who uses my brain to solve some of the greatest mysteries in life, but really I’m thinking about pot roast.

I don’t always check my horoscope but from time to time I do to see if I can find anything that seems like it applies to what’s going on in my life now.  I remember as a boy crazy teen, I’d read Cosmo’s horoscope and hope it would say something about the boy I had a crush on.  Unfortunately, nothing could be translated to mean my crush loved me too.

Nowadays I read Rob Brezny’s horoscope and I keep hoping it will say that I will finally have the career I always dreamed of. This is what he wrote about Geminis this week:

Primatologist Jane Goodall, who lived for years among chimpanzees in Tanzania, is one of the world’s top experts on the creatures. Can you guess what her favorite toy was when she was young? A stuffed monkey, of course. There were no doubt foreshadowings like that in your own childhood or adolescence, Gemini. Right? Signs of the magic you would eventually seek to ripen? Seeds of destiny that had just begun to sprout? Now would be a good time to reflect on those early hints. You’ll benefit from updating your understanding of and commitment to the capacities they revealed. 

So what is it I do now, I’m a comedian.  So how did that happen?

The thing is, I feel like my early desires to entertain my friends and family around me, were not that different from other little girls all over the world.  I tried so hard to be an actor but I was such a gawky goofball.  In the 7^th grade school play we had to wear black turtlenecks and stand on black blocks and look in different directions and say lines straight faced like “I am in the ether, the energy surrounds me”.  I’m making that part up, but I’m sure it was something shitty like that.  Even then, my pimply little brain knew this production was dated and probably considered bad art.  I couldn’t even pretend to be involved in the production (what a snob).  Our teacher who usually wore black MC Hammer pants and sported an asymmetrical haircut with a touch of dandruff, tried to get us all to commit to the show but I giggled through the whole thing, which I guess was unprofessional.  Because of my poor showing, I was never asked to participate in the annual school plays, despite my many auditions.

Adding to this reputation for being someone who couldn’t take things seriously, I also created my own reputation for being a ditz–the role of a lifetime.  In one of our English classes we had to come up with three adjectives that best described our essence.  I chose: easygoing, happy and airhead.  Hilarious to me now.  Airhead, maybe, but was I ever really happy or easygoing? Somewhere in my young mind I knew this would get a response, but I didn’t prepare myself for the response it continued to get even years later.  Even though the attention was negative, I didn’t mind it so much.  If we were in class and a dumb blonde joke had to be made, I was the go to person.  The blondes slid by, under the radar while I took the nugget of appreciation, for being dumb.  At least I was known for something.  I couldn’t commit to a role on-stage but off-stage I was determined to follow through and it worked, unfortunately for me. Years later when I wanted to pretend to be smart so I could get into college, I had a tough time reminding people that I had learned to read at some point and could figure out other things, like how do operate a car and dagnabbit, I knew the name of our first president, (George Jefferson, right?).

So, I guess these were the early signs that one day I would be a comedian—a laugh at any expense, even against my better judgement. There you go Rob Brezny.

New Project update.

In an effort to keep myself accountable to whoever might be reading this, maybe just me, which is fine, I will start posting updates on the progress of my new show, tentatively titled “God I’m Funny”.  (Read it more as like, a prayer, God, I’m funny? Not like, omigod I’m so funny.) Anyway, I’m hoping I’ll just shame myself into finally completing my new show.   Progress.  Sounds refreshing.

Here goes.  Also enjoy this random picture of some dude’s belt.  Check that out!  It’s a spider with a HUMAN SKULL!!! How disturbing is that?  Maybe you’re more disturbed by the leather pants.  Honestly I don’t know which is more offensive.

Sometimes it’s hard to start and re start a project.  I start it, drop it for a little and then starting up again is a pain in the ass.  I’ve been working on and off on this new show and it’s not really new because it’s about my life but I keep thinking, shit am I being too precious about stuff or too dismissive of my own experience?  It’s a mind game I play with myself.  A fun little game, like Patty Cakes.  What the hell are Patty Cakes?  Mud cakes?  I hate that game.  Do people even play that with kids any more?  Do modern children enjoy Patty Cakes?  If you tried to play Patty Cakes with a three year old would they look at you with a dead stare and start texting their parent on a Blackberry “this fool is doing something strange, daddy”.  Do people still play Duck Duck Goose?  What are kids doing nowadays?  Is everything computerized?  Are children now monitored by a very capable but cold robot?  I have no idea.  Children and the future scare the shit out of me.

When did I start needing the Bengay?

Last week I turned a year older.  Nothing new.  It happens every year this time.  I had a really relaxing birthday week, ate a lot of food, walked by a beach, hung with my best of friends,  drank some, and then this week I sneezed and threw out my back.  I’m sure it’s more complicated than that but each year I am reminded of my continual decay in small ways.  Remember that time long ago when you felt like you could throw yourself at moving objects and survive?  Well those days are over, my body says to me year after year.  What a jerk of a body.  But overall I’m happy it still lets me walk it around and feed it ice cream and chips without much protesting–only in the form of mini gas leaks.